Moving Past....

On the morning of Friday September 16, 2016, I received a call that my 27 year old nephew had decided to take his own life.  The most devastating news I had ever received.  I have had loss in my life that has broken my heart.  But this...this call was one that literally took my breath away.  I couldn't think, I couldn't process...I couldn't believe it.  I didn't want to believe it. My heart hurt in a way I have never felt.

I had spoken to Matt just 2 days before.  It wasn't an unusual call.  Believe me, I have played it over and over in my head, and I remember every word, every tone, every expression.  Nothing stands out to me.  And I know it never will, because there was nothing out of the ordinary.  We would call or text each other quite often.  It was always the same...  "are you hungry?" or "are you home?".  Always followed by a lunch date, he would show up at my house, or we would talk on the phone.  I had text him that Wednesday afternoon.  He didn't answer.  Well, I was hungry and needed a lunch date, so I called him.  He answered, as he always did when he wasn't working or sleeping.  He had just woke up, having worked late the night before, and was getting ready to get up to get ready for work later that afternoon.  Knowing we weren't going to meet for lunch, we talked for about 20 or so minutes.  He was looking into a new job, work was going well, he was coming to Austin's cross country meet on Saturday.  We talked and joked around a bit.  And as always, we ended our call with "I love you", "I love you too Aunt Sandy", "You know where to find me, I'm always here for you", "I know...love you" "Love you too"

I never dreamed that would be the last time I would speak to him.....

The questions of why have practically consumed me these past 3 weeks. How did this happen?  This can't be happening!  It's not true!  What has he done?  Why?  What did I do?  What didn't I do? Someone is responsible for this!  No, it's not true!  Why?  Why?  Why?  How could he leave his family?  How could he leave me?  Why didn't he call?  If only he had called.....

I've waited for a text, a call, a walk in my door.  I've expected to come home and find him sitting on my couch.  I've wanted to text him to meet me for lunch, like we've done so many times.  There was a day I almost sent him a text to meet me for lunch, and then realized that he wouldn't be there to answer.  It was not unusual to come home from work and there he was, sitting on my couch, and staying for dinner.  We would talk about everything, or nothing.  He would have Nerf gun wars with Austin.  He would harass Jessica about boys.  He would talk military with Clyde.  He would just be here, and it was so natural.  He belonged.  He was a part of our lives.  He always will be.

But oh, the grieving process.  It's well researched, but yet still so difficult to understand.  They are often not experienced in any specific order.  There is no set time in which you experience one and then another.  In fact, you can experience more than one at a time.  And yes, you can even repeat a stage.  It's said that you remain in the grieving process until you complete all stages, and work through the acceptance stage.  It is believed at this stage, your grief lessens, and you find a way to begin to move past the loss you have experienced.

I read a powerful article recently regarding suicide.  It stated that suicide is not thought of as a way to end life, but as a way to end pain and suffering.  Until I read that, I was so focused on the fact that Matt didn't want to live.  I was so focused on feeling sorry for myself, in what *I* had lost, that I had completely missed the most important factor...what Matt had lost and how he felt.  He had lost his identity, his soul, his purpose.  He did not feel validated, worthy, important.  His mind was not allowing him to process the positive, and regardless, maybe those positives weren't enough.  He needed an escape from his pain.  He wasn't leaving me, or anyone else.  He was saving himself from what was unbearable, and undeniable to him.  He felt there was no cure, no help, no escape.  He needed it all to go away.

I felt selfish.  Feeling sorry for what I had lost.  How devastated I was.  How much this hurt me.  Why did he do this to me?  Me, I...Really?  Am I really thinking he would want to make me feel this way?  In my heart I knew that wasn't true.  He loved me.  I have no doubt about that.  He knew I loved him.  I have no doubt about that.  He knew I was proud of him.  He would never intentionally hurt me...Never.  

Matt was my adorable little ring bearer on September 16, 1995.  A day that will forever be the happiest and saddest day of my life.  He was my "little sibling" at EKU.  Matt had no filter.  There was no grey, only black and white.  If he wanted to say it, he would.  He could make you laugh, or make you cringe.  I reeled him in many times, and he respected me for that.  He was always there when I called him, and always there when I needed him.  He knew I was always there for him, no matter what.

I will never forget him.  He holds a piece of my heart forever.  What I have learned from him is this:

Cherish those you love.  Make sure they feel loved.  Tell them!  Make sure they know you are proud of them.  Tell them!  Make sure they feel worthy.  Let your children be who they want to be, not who you want them to be.  It is their job to discover that within themselves, not for you to force them down the path you choose.  Yes, they will make mistakes along the way.  You will find yourself disappointed.  There will be consequences.  But these mistakes are made along their journey in discovering themselves.  Experience the wins and losses with them, but never lose your pride.  Ever.  For they expect love and pride from you.  They need and desire your unconditional love and support.
Yes, I am still grieving.  I am not placing a time frame on reaching that acceptance stage, as I know I must heal in my own time.  I am slowly losing the guilt I feel whenever I laugh, smile or feel happiness, as if my feeling that way is not ok.  I know I will get there.  I know Matt wants me to be happy and enjoy life.

I will move past, without feeling the need to move on.....and I will remember....with a smile and a warmth in my heart that he possesses forever.

In the blink of an eye...

Time...where does it go, and how do you slow it down?  If I had the answers to those questions, I would be famous!

We all experience it. That moment when it seemed like yesterday we were waving "see ya later" to our kindergartner on their first day of school. We remember that first lost tooth. The first skinned knee. We remember the cuddling toddler who needed tucked in each night and a story read.

It seems like yesterday....doesn't it?  But suddenly reality hits you, and your little ones are growing up right before your eyes.  When exactly did that happen?  When did my little girl become a senior in high school?  When did my little boy start his last year of middle school?  When did they become so independent, so grown up?

Time...it can't be stopped, but we can all take time. We can all make time. I cherish every moment I can spend with my children. I always have. Yeah, it's nice to have grown up time sometimes. It's nice to go out without them, but the best times, the times that matter most are with them.

After all, it's all about memories.  That's what we hold on to when we wonder "where did the time go?"  We remember the weekends, the trips, the games and the laughter. We remember the early morning breakfast and the late night talks.  After the moment passes, a memory is all we have left.

And you know the best part, our children remember. Memories are important to them. Spending time with us is important to them...even when they say "this is lame".   Our hope is that our children realize the importance of time, and that quality time will matter to them as parents.

So, take time and most importantly, make time. There are no do-overs. It's a one shot deal.

Point of No Return?

    Every road eventually reaches a point of no return. 

     Have I become nothing more than a stranger to you?  The way you looked at me when I spoke, I saw it deep in your eyes.  A smile of acknowledgement, one that is given when we come in contact with someone we really don’t know.  One where we want to say “hi” but don’t wish to continue the conversation.  You shared that smile with me.  It would have been a kind gesture to any common stranger, but not to me. 

     It was disturbing….cold….heartless.

     You moved on.  Sharing affection, joy, and laughter with friends.  It went through me like a knife that you treated me like a stranger, but within seconds became joyous, loving, caring to others.

     It’s evident you are still capable of loving….maybe just not capable of loving me.  And I’m learning to be ok with that.  I have a family to love, and show love to.  I strive every day to never let them feel the way you make me feel….unwanted, unloved, and rejected.

     

The hurt can no longer be mended.  

Apologies are no longer accepted. 

Explanations are no longer believed. 

The part of my heart you currently reside in will continue to shrink until there is no longer a space for you. 

Every road eventually reaches a point of no return....

     I’m traveling on that road now…….

In my memory...I hope you never leave!

Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.  Sometimes I think I will see you again.  Sometimes.....sometimes.....my mind plays tricks on me, and I think I've just had a bad dream.  But my bad dream is actually my reality.  You are gone....I will never see you again, never hold your hand, never see your smile...only in my memories.  

Oh the what if's.  What if I had kept that last phone message?  What if I had recorded that moment?  Taken that picture that seemed so unimportant at the time?  But I know in my heart, our time was precious, genuine, and well spent.

I will never forget my time with you.  The times we shared from beginning to end.  I will never forget being there for you when Grandpa passed away.  I was only 11, but I wanted to take care of you.  I wanted to make sure you were not lonely or sad.  Cleaning for you, making sure you had dinner, doing crafts and puzzles together.  Becoming your best friend!  I will never forget our shopping trips, our lunch dates, our quiet time together.  Sitting around the campfire, taking walks and laughing about anything and everything.

And I will never, ever forget holding your hand, stroking your skin, touching your hair while you hung on to life surrounded by the ones you loved.  I will never forget sitting and whispering in your ear how very much I loved you and that it was ok to leave us if you it would make you more comfortable.  Telling you that we would all be ok.  Asking you to give Grandpa a huge hug for me.  I will never forget the sound of your breathing as I lay in your room.  The overwhelming fear that it would stop.  I will never forget praying that you would wake up the next day, and we could hang out again.  That everything would turn out ok.  Have lunch, go shopping...

But you didn't, and deep down, I knew you wouldn't...but oh how I prayed you would.  I pray everyday, for just one more day.  But I know it will never come, at least not until we meet again. I guess Heaven needed an angel.

So I try to focus on the blessings you brought to my life.  How blessed I am to have called you Grandma.  How blessed my children are to have had the opportunity to have a Great Grandma for so long in their lives...and you were GREAT!!!  Without a doubt!  I am so blessed that I knew and felt the unconditional love of a grandma and that my children had the opportunity to experience the love and memories that only you could provide.

You made me a better parent, and I can only hope I am half the Grandma you were!

You are my angel in heaven....and I love you with my all my heart.  I miss you Grandma  I miss you so very, very much!  I would give anything for one more day....anything!

If you could change your fate...

Wow!  It's been a long time since I've been on here.  So much has happened, so much has changed.  Some for the better, some very hurtful and can't be explained.  Some love lost was unexpected, some lives lost were unexpected.  All is painful in their own way, but I have to continue to believe that everything happens for a reason.  We may not always know that reason, but more often than not, further in our lives, we reflect back and say "I get it now".

Maybe we were only meant to touch a life temporarily, maybe someone was meant to help mold us into who we are today, but they weren't meant to be there forever.  Maybe at the time, we were needed in someone's life, or they were needed in ours.  Whatever the reason, life must go on.  The difficult part is dealing with the questions of why?  A question to which we may never know the answer.

So it all comes down to finding peace within ourselves.  Coming to terms with the fact that we can not always change the fate of others, sometimes we can't even change our own fate.  It makes me think of the Disney movie Brave. If you had a chance to change your fate, would you?

What a tough question?  All we can do is live our lives, making the best decisions we can for our physical and mental well being, for ourselves and our family.  Learning from our mistakes, and moving forward.  We can only be a good friend to those who are good to us.  We can only help those who want to be helped.  And we can only support those who want to be supported.  We love best when we are loved back.

Love, friendships, relationships...they come and go in ways we don't always understand.  We can only count our blessings that at least we were touched in some way because that person crossed our path.  We can only feel blessed by what they provided to us and brought to our lives.  We can only hope that they felt our love and friendship was just as important.

Life goes on. It must.  We can not spend our time wondering about the what if's, why not's, or how come's.  We can only focus on the "What now?"

She is family...

Kaitlyn Elizabeth Herindon

she is more than just a girl I met 4 years ago, she's family!

Are we blood related?  Of course not....but that doesn't always make someone family either now does it?  Family, according to Webster's Dictionary is 

"a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for".

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I care for Kaitlyn, so yes, she's family!

Kaitlyn and I met during her 8th grade year.  I was her cheerleading coach.  Now, I'm sure you can imagine how tough I was....I am very competitive, and have very high expectations for any group of children I've ever worked with.  Well, a group of girls who wanted to wear cute skirts and do cheers were no different :)  I expected them to be on time, prepared, responsible, spirited, presentable...but most importantly, I kept up on their grades and attendance at school. I even told them once that cheerleading will not be their career, so they better get it together in class!

When I first met her, Kaitlyn seemed very reserved.  Maybe it was my high demands, or maybe she was scared of me.....No, I don't think so.  She was just a bit insecure.  But what I saw in Kait was a determination to succeed, a willingness to please, and hidden leadership skills.  I honed in on those skills real quick.  She needed to blossom, she needed to lead, she needed to believe in herself.  

Kait and I became close during that year.  We laughed, we cried, we got to know each other, and our families became friends.  A bond began that neither of us planned or expected, but it was a good thing, a very good thing!

The following summer, we spent a lot of time together, continuing to grow in our relationship.  Much was going on in each of our lives, and we were supporters and cheerleaders for each other.  We decided to sign up for the mentoring program at Holmes.  We could then meet at school, and I could continue to keep watch on her academics (a plus for me, annoying for her).  :)

I choose to believe that "mentor" was just a title...something that got Kait out of class for an hour to hang out with me, something that provided us occasional free tickets and lunches...no it was much more than that.  We became family, in the true sense of the definition.  We cared about each other like family should.  Mentoring program or not, we would have continued to grow closer.

Through many trials and tribulations, Kaitlyn and I survived...together.  So much has happened in our lives, good and bad, but together we pulled through.  We have so many memories, it would take me forever to list them!  We have experienced so much together.

Kaitlyn has been my rock just as much as I have been hers.  I protect and look out for her as if she is one of my own children.  She recently posted on my facebook page the following comment:

"I love you. There is no doubting that you are truly my mom. My mom. You know how I know you are my mom? I looked up the definition; The woman who loves you unconditionally, the one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else. That is how I know you are my mom. ♥ I wouldn't change or trade us and our relationship for anything in this entire world. ♥ "

Yes, by her definition, I am her mom and proud of it!!!  She is a blessing in disguise, and when she came into my life, I needed her just as much as she needed me!  My children call her sister.  We ARE family!

My oldest daughter, Kaitlyn, will be attending Lindsey Wilson College this fall.  Her graduation day was one of the proudest moments in my life.  Just as a mom should, I cheered for her, and cried for her as she received her high school diploma.

Kait is an inspiration, she is beautiful, she is talented, she is a Gift from God!  She has places to go and things to do in her life, and I have no doubt, she will accomplish anything she puts her heart and mind to.

But this is not the end.  Oh no, there is much more to come!  What is it I always say to her?  "I will be there when you graduate high school, graduate college, begin your career, get married, have a baby....yes, in that order!"

I love you Kaitlyn!  Life is just beginning, and I am here for you forever and always!!!

A story about wine....

Sixteen years ago, I stood in front of friends, family and God and vowed my love and life to my soul mate, my best friend.  I am truly blessed to have such a supportive, caring husband and father to our children.

Now let me tell you a story about wine.

Our honeymoon was in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  It was the best 4 days ever!  We had such an incredible time with so many memories made there. Cade's Cove, the skylift, shopping, great food!   One of our adventures was the Mountain Winery.  We ended up here mainly because we had arrived in Gatlinburg and realized later that evening that we had absolutely nothing to toast our marriage with, and being a Sunday....well we weren't going to either. 

The Mountain Winery is a fabulous place with endless samples of wine....enough said about that. :)  Well after many drinks, laughter, and just overall fun, we purchased several bottles of wine for our stay in Gatlinburg and to take home. 

Outside of the champagne and wine served at our wedding, the wine from the Mountain Winery was the first and only wine we toasted our marriage with on our honeymoon.

This morning I woke up to a gift bag at my bedside.  Inside this bag was a bottle of  Mountain Winery blackberry wine!!!  Now I'm sure you're thinking..."aww, Clyde drove all the way to Gatlinburg to get a special bottle of wine for their anniversary".

Well, no!  But he did ask a co-worker who was going to Gatlinburg to purchase a bottle for us, and blackberry was one of our favorites while we were there. 

So today has been spent thinking about the wonderful time we had in Gatlinburg.  The laughs we had about mishaps that took place.  The beauty and serenity of Cades Cove.  The peacefulness of the mountains.  And of course the shopping!!  Can't forget the shopping right?

Tomorrow we will break open our anniversary bottle of wine and remember the past 16 years of our marriage.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  None of which I would ever trade for anything in the world.

I love you Clyde! 

Forever and Always!