Point of No Return?

    Every road eventually reaches a point of no return. 

     Have I become nothing more than a stranger to you?  The way you looked at me when I spoke, I saw it deep in your eyes.  A smile of acknowledgement, one that is given when we come in contact with someone we really don’t know.  One where we want to say “hi” but don’t wish to continue the conversation.  You shared that smile with me.  It would have been a kind gesture to any common stranger, but not to me. 

     It was disturbing….cold….heartless.

     You moved on.  Sharing affection, joy, and laughter with friends.  It went through me like a knife that you treated me like a stranger, but within seconds became joyous, loving, caring to others.

     It’s evident you are still capable of loving….maybe just not capable of loving me.  And I’m learning to be ok with that.  I have a family to love, and show love to.  I strive every day to never let them feel the way you make me feel….unwanted, unloved, and rejected.

     

The hurt can no longer be mended.  

Apologies are no longer accepted. 

Explanations are no longer believed. 

The part of my heart you currently reside in will continue to shrink until there is no longer a space for you. 

Every road eventually reaches a point of no return....

     I’m traveling on that road now…….

In my memory...I hope you never leave!

Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.  Sometimes I think I will see you again.  Sometimes.....sometimes.....my mind plays tricks on me, and I think I've just had a bad dream.  But my bad dream is actually my reality.  You are gone....I will never see you again, never hold your hand, never see your smile...only in my memories.  

Oh the what if's.  What if I had kept that last phone message?  What if I had recorded that moment?  Taken that picture that seemed so unimportant at the time?  But I know in my heart, our time was precious, genuine, and well spent.

I will never forget my time with you.  The times we shared from beginning to end.  I will never forget being there for you when Grandpa passed away.  I was only 11, but I wanted to take care of you.  I wanted to make sure you were not lonely or sad.  Cleaning for you, making sure you had dinner, doing crafts and puzzles together.  Becoming your best friend!  I will never forget our shopping trips, our lunch dates, our quiet time together.  Sitting around the campfire, taking walks and laughing about anything and everything.

And I will never, ever forget holding your hand, stroking your skin, touching your hair while you hung on to life surrounded by the ones you loved.  I will never forget sitting and whispering in your ear how very much I loved you and that it was ok to leave us if you it would make you more comfortable.  Telling you that we would all be ok.  Asking you to give Grandpa a huge hug for me.  I will never forget the sound of your breathing as I lay in your room.  The overwhelming fear that it would stop.  I will never forget praying that you would wake up the next day, and we could hang out again.  That everything would turn out ok.  Have lunch, go shopping...

But you didn't, and deep down, I knew you wouldn't...but oh how I prayed you would.  I pray everyday, for just one more day.  But I know it will never come, at least not until we meet again. I guess Heaven needed an angel.

So I try to focus on the blessings you brought to my life.  How blessed I am to have called you Grandma.  How blessed my children are to have had the opportunity to have a Great Grandma for so long in their lives...and you were GREAT!!!  Without a doubt!  I am so blessed that I knew and felt the unconditional love of a grandma and that my children had the opportunity to experience the love and memories that only you could provide.

You made me a better parent, and I can only hope I am half the Grandma you were!

You are my angel in heaven....and I love you with my all my heart.  I miss you Grandma  I miss you so very, very much!  I would give anything for one more day....anything!

If you could change your fate...

Wow!  It's been a long time since I've been on here.  So much has happened, so much has changed.  Some for the better, some very hurtful and can't be explained.  Some love lost was unexpected, some lives lost were unexpected.  All is painful in their own way, but I have to continue to believe that everything happens for a reason.  We may not always know that reason, but more often than not, further in our lives, we reflect back and say "I get it now".

Maybe we were only meant to touch a life temporarily, maybe someone was meant to help mold us into who we are today, but they weren't meant to be there forever.  Maybe at the time, we were needed in someone's life, or they were needed in ours.  Whatever the reason, life must go on.  The difficult part is dealing with the questions of why?  A question to which we may never know the answer.

So it all comes down to finding peace within ourselves.  Coming to terms with the fact that we can not always change the fate of others, sometimes we can't even change our own fate.  It makes me think of the Disney movie Brave. If you had a chance to change your fate, would you?

What a tough question?  All we can do is live our lives, making the best decisions we can for our physical and mental well being, for ourselves and our family.  Learning from our mistakes, and moving forward.  We can only be a good friend to those who are good to us.  We can only help those who want to be helped.  And we can only support those who want to be supported.  We love best when we are loved back.

Love, friendships, relationships...they come and go in ways we don't always understand.  We can only count our blessings that at least we were touched in some way because that person crossed our path.  We can only feel blessed by what they provided to us and brought to our lives.  We can only hope that they felt our love and friendship was just as important.

Life goes on. It must.  We can not spend our time wondering about the what if's, why not's, or how come's.  We can only focus on the "What now?"

She is family...

Kaitlyn Elizabeth Herindon

she is more than just a girl I met 4 years ago, she's family!

Are we blood related?  Of course not....but that doesn't always make someone family either now does it?  Family, according to Webster's Dictionary is 

"a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for".

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I care for Kaitlyn, so yes, she's family!

Kaitlyn and I met during her 8th grade year.  I was her cheerleading coach.  Now, I'm sure you can imagine how tough I was....I am very competitive, and have very high expectations for any group of children I've ever worked with.  Well, a group of girls who wanted to wear cute skirts and do cheers were no different :)  I expected them to be on time, prepared, responsible, spirited, presentable...but most importantly, I kept up on their grades and attendance at school. I even told them once that cheerleading will not be their career, so they better get it together in class!

When I first met her, Kaitlyn seemed very reserved.  Maybe it was my high demands, or maybe she was scared of me.....No, I don't think so.  She was just a bit insecure.  But what I saw in Kait was a determination to succeed, a willingness to please, and hidden leadership skills.  I honed in on those skills real quick.  She needed to blossom, she needed to lead, she needed to believe in herself.  

Kait and I became close during that year.  We laughed, we cried, we got to know each other, and our families became friends.  A bond began that neither of us planned or expected, but it was a good thing, a very good thing!

The following summer, we spent a lot of time together, continuing to grow in our relationship.  Much was going on in each of our lives, and we were supporters and cheerleaders for each other.  We decided to sign up for the mentoring program at Holmes.  We could then meet at school, and I could continue to keep watch on her academics (a plus for me, annoying for her).  :)

I choose to believe that "mentor" was just a title...something that got Kait out of class for an hour to hang out with me, something that provided us occasional free tickets and lunches...no it was much more than that.  We became family, in the true sense of the definition.  We cared about each other like family should.  Mentoring program or not, we would have continued to grow closer.

Through many trials and tribulations, Kaitlyn and I survived...together.  So much has happened in our lives, good and bad, but together we pulled through.  We have so many memories, it would take me forever to list them!  We have experienced so much together.

Kaitlyn has been my rock just as much as I have been hers.  I protect and look out for her as if she is one of my own children.  She recently posted on my facebook page the following comment:

"I love you. There is no doubting that you are truly my mom. My mom. You know how I know you are my mom? I looked up the definition; The woman who loves you unconditionally, the one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else. That is how I know you are my mom. ♥ I wouldn't change or trade us and our relationship for anything in this entire world. ♥ "

Yes, by her definition, I am her mom and proud of it!!!  She is a blessing in disguise, and when she came into my life, I needed her just as much as she needed me!  My children call her sister.  We ARE family!

My oldest daughter, Kaitlyn, will be attending Lindsey Wilson College this fall.  Her graduation day was one of the proudest moments in my life.  Just as a mom should, I cheered for her, and cried for her as she received her high school diploma.

Kait is an inspiration, she is beautiful, she is talented, she is a Gift from God!  She has places to go and things to do in her life, and I have no doubt, she will accomplish anything she puts her heart and mind to.

But this is not the end.  Oh no, there is much more to come!  What is it I always say to her?  "I will be there when you graduate high school, graduate college, begin your career, get married, have a baby....yes, in that order!"

I love you Kaitlyn!  Life is just beginning, and I am here for you forever and always!!!

A story about wine....

Sixteen years ago, I stood in front of friends, family and God and vowed my love and life to my soul mate, my best friend.  I am truly blessed to have such a supportive, caring husband and father to our children.

Now let me tell you a story about wine.

Our honeymoon was in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  It was the best 4 days ever!  We had such an incredible time with so many memories made there. Cade's Cove, the skylift, shopping, great food!   One of our adventures was the Mountain Winery.  We ended up here mainly because we had arrived in Gatlinburg and realized later that evening that we had absolutely nothing to toast our marriage with, and being a Sunday....well we weren't going to either. 

The Mountain Winery is a fabulous place with endless samples of wine....enough said about that. :)  Well after many drinks, laughter, and just overall fun, we purchased several bottles of wine for our stay in Gatlinburg and to take home. 

Outside of the champagne and wine served at our wedding, the wine from the Mountain Winery was the first and only wine we toasted our marriage with on our honeymoon.

This morning I woke up to a gift bag at my bedside.  Inside this bag was a bottle of  Mountain Winery blackberry wine!!!  Now I'm sure you're thinking..."aww, Clyde drove all the way to Gatlinburg to get a special bottle of wine for their anniversary".

Well, no!  But he did ask a co-worker who was going to Gatlinburg to purchase a bottle for us, and blackberry was one of our favorites while we were there. 

So today has been spent thinking about the wonderful time we had in Gatlinburg.  The laughs we had about mishaps that took place.  The beauty and serenity of Cades Cove.  The peacefulness of the mountains.  And of course the shopping!!  Can't forget the shopping right?

Tomorrow we will break open our anniversary bottle of wine and remember the past 16 years of our marriage.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  None of which I would ever trade for anything in the world.

I love you Clyde! 

Forever and Always!

Never forget...

I will never forget September 11, 2001.  I was at work, and I remember a patient coming into the office telling us about the terrorist attacks.  We had no television in the office, just a radio.  We listened to the tragic events transpire throughout the day, and in our minds could not even imagine what had really happened.

I left work that day and immediately went home, sat on the couch and turned on the TV.  What I saw then was beyond what I had pictured in my head all day.  It was almost unbelievable.  I felt like I was watching some horror movie, it just seemed surreal.

An attack on our nation's soil.  The thousands of lives lost.  The heroes who didn't hesitate to put their own lives on the line to save others.

In the aftermaths of this tragedy, our country became one.  American flags flew proudly, our National Anthem was sung loud and proud.  The Pledge of Allegiance was said with meaning and purpose.  We acknowledged strangers, we showed new affection to our loved ones, we took the time for each other.  We were compassionate, sympathetic and supportive to everyone and anyone.

What happened to that patriotism?  What happened to the compassion and caring for complete strangers?  What happened to the humanity that we all found in the days, weeks, months, even year after September 11, 2001?

We are a military family which dates back to my Grandfather, a WWII Navy Veteran.  My husband served for 20 years in the Army, and is an Operation Enduring Freedom Veteran serving in Afghanistan.  Our patriotism for our family is EVERYDAY.  We stand for the pledge, we sing the National Anthem.  It's not a task...it's an expectation.  It shows respect and gratitude.

Our freedom was and never will be free.  Someone is paying the ultimate price.  Whether it was the husband, wife, son or daughter who was in the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, on the flight overtaken in Pennsylvania, the first responder who just had to go back up the stairs, or the Soldier, Sailor, Marine or Airmen overseas....someone is paying the ultimate price for your freedom.

God Bless those who paid the ultimate price on September 11, 2001.

Never forget!

No Regrets!

It's no secret that we have transferred Jessica from our school district to Kenton County Schools.  Yes, we have to pay tuition, but believe me, if the past 8 days of her schooling are any indication of the remainder of the school year, it will be worth it.

What saddens me is that we had to leave Holmes at all.  As an alumni, and those who know how deep my love for Holmes goes, this was a tough decision, but one that has been weighing on our minds for the past two years. The past two years have been filled with broken promises and conversations full of smoke and mirrors.  Our expectations were not outrageous or demanding.  We simply expected our child to excel, and when she had struggles, we expected educators and administrators to help her.  That's not too much to ask, and really should be an automatic in my opinion.

What really broke the deal for me, and pushed me to make a final decision to move forward was a conversation with a central office employee and an administrator.  How disheartening to mention that I'm looking at other schools and ask what can you say to convince me that she should stay at Holmes....and get no response!  How disappointing to express concern for my daughter's needs and accommodations only to be told that this is not a concern.

Even more disappointing is that phone calls promised to me were not made...no one followed up with me.  It was four days later when I took Jessica to Woodland to register her.  No one called, no one.

Now would it have made a difference?  Maybe.  No, I honestly have to say yes...simply because I had fallen for the promises before, and sadly I would have given them another chance, just as I had so many times before.  I would have believed that something was in place that was going to be different and better.  I would have believed that she would have received the help as well as the challenges she deserved.  I would have believed and trusted, because I've known these people for so long.  I just would have trusted, and I would have wanted to believe it would get better.

Actually I should contact the administrator that I spoke to and tell him Thank You!  Thank you for being so unprofessional during our last conversation.  Thank you for making me promise that I would be available to answer my phone the rest of that day.  Thank you for promising that someone would call me by day's end and not following up to make sure they did, because they didn't.  Thank you for expressing that my daughter's accommodations were not your concern.  Thank you for helping me make a decision that I do not regret for a minute.

My only regret?  That I waited 2 years!  In my heart I fear the past two years were a waste of educational time.  Don't get me wrong, Jessica has encountered a few great teachers in middle school and she's made some wonderful friends.  She participated in some meaningful extra curricular activities that she will remember forever.  But when I look at what she is being offered now, I can't help but ask myself....why did I wait?  Why didn't I go with my gut instinct last year?  Or the year before?  Why didn't I listen to friends and family who were telling me how bad it was?  Why didn't I listen to my husband, who not being a Holmes Alumni, was not looking through rose colored glasses?  Why?

Why aren't Covington schools like this:

Jessica and I walked into Woodland Middle School and from day one we were treated with importance and respect.  These folks had never met us, and in my opinion had no reason to treat us as such, but they did.  I hadn't filled out a single form, no records had been transferred and I had not paid them a dime.  But they worked with me immediately to meet Jessica's needs, and it was the best thing!  I emailed her teachers, she met her teachers, we attended a picnic, Readifest and almost 2 hours of walking through her schedule and chatting with her teachers....all of this before school started.  And let me tell you, they provided more opportunities for us to do this than what I had asked of the administrator at Holmes.  I was amazed at the differences already!  Ironic thing is, as I mentioned, they had not seen her records, and really didn't seem to need it...they took my word of what I thought was best for her and had no issue with working with her best interest in mind..

But it didn't stop there!  Jessica has had some type of homework every day.  They have a homework hotline which is a great communication tool.  Her teachers send updated information via email.  I've sent emails to her teachers and have received responses within 24 hours.  Jessica brings home books to work in for her homework assignments.  Her homework is meaningful and productive.

It almost brings tears to my eyes to hear her describe her day as calm and quiet.  I love hearing about the instruction that goes on every day.  I love that she gets in my car when I pick her up and I don't have to ask her  "what did you do today?" then proceed to drag it out of her...she tells me almost immediately.  She walks me through her day, telling me about each class and what they did, what they learned, what they are working on.  I hear content in her voice again.

I'm getting the Jessica back who loves to learn, loves to explore, and loves to share about her day.  She seems happier at home, she seems easier to get along with....she seems to be losing a lot of the hostility and anger that her brother was usually on the receiving end of....poor thing :)

I feel like I'm renewing a relationship with her again.  I felt we were becoming distant but couldn't explain it.  I couldn't pinpoint anything I was doing wrong...only that she was a teenager, and that's how it is.  But in the past week, I've seen these positive changes in her.  I can only devise that she's in a calmer atmosphere and the time is productive and meaningful.  She feels respected and validated by her peers and teachers.  She feels a purpose to her day.  

I am not naive.  I know that all teenagers have their fair share of drama, and no doubt Woodland is not exempt from that trend.  But what I do know is the main focus is on learning and there are no exceptions.  The expectations are high, and so far they align with our personal expectations.

We have no regrets.  What I see happening with her confirms that.

A parent can't ask for more than a smiling and enthusiastic child when you ask her about her day!