I never dreamed that would be the last time I would speak to him.....
The questions of why have practically consumed me these past 3 weeks. How did this happen? This can't be happening! It's not true! What has he done? Why? What did I do? What didn't I do? Someone is responsible for this! No, it's not true! Why? Why? Why? How could he leave his family? How could he leave me? Why didn't he call? If only he had called.....
I've waited for a text, a call, a walk in my door. I've expected to come home and find him sitting on my couch. I've wanted to text him to meet me for lunch, like we've done so many times. There was a day I almost sent him a text to meet me for lunch, and then realized that he wouldn't be there to answer. It was not unusual to come home from work and there he was, sitting on my couch, and staying for dinner. We would talk about everything, or nothing. He would have Nerf gun wars with Austin. He would harass Jessica about boys. He would talk military with Clyde. He would just be here, and it was so natural. He belonged. He was a part of our lives. He always will be.
But oh, the grieving process. It's well researched, but yet still so difficult to understand. They are often not experienced in any specific order. There is no set time in which you experience one and then another. In fact, you can experience more than one at a time. And yes, you can even repeat a stage. It's said that you remain in the grieving process until you complete all stages, and work through the acceptance stage. It is believed at this stage, your grief lessens, and you find a way to begin to move past the loss you have experienced.
I read a powerful article recently regarding suicide. It stated that suicide is not thought of as a way to end life, but as a way to end pain and suffering. Until I read that, I was so focused on the fact that Matt didn't want to live. I was so focused on feeling sorry for myself, in what *I* had lost, that I had completely missed the most important factor...what Matt had lost and how he felt. He had lost his identity, his soul, his purpose. He did not feel validated, worthy, important. His mind was not allowing him to process the positive, and regardless, maybe those positives weren't enough. He needed an escape from his pain. He wasn't leaving me, or anyone else. He was saving himself from what was unbearable, and undeniable to him. He felt there was no cure, no help, no escape. He needed it all to go away.
I felt selfish. Feeling sorry for what I had lost. How devastated I was. How much this hurt me. Why did he do this to me? Me, I...Really? Am I really thinking he would want to make me feel this way? In my heart I knew that wasn't true. He loved me. I have no doubt about that. He knew I loved him. I have no doubt about that. He knew I was proud of him. He would never intentionally hurt me...Never.
Matt was my adorable little ring bearer on September 16, 1995. A day that will forever be the happiest and saddest day of my life. He was my "little sibling" at EKU. Matt had no filter. There was no grey, only black and white. If he wanted to say it, he would. He could make you laugh, or make you cringe. I reeled him in many times, and he respected me for that. He was always there when I called him, and always there when I needed him. He knew I was always there for him, no matter what.
I will never forget him. He holds a piece of my heart forever. What I have learned from him is this:
Cherish those you love. Make sure they feel loved. Tell them! Make sure they know you are proud of them. Tell them! Make sure they feel worthy. Let your children be who they want to be, not who you want them to be. It is their job to discover that within themselves, not for you to force them down the path you choose. Yes, they will make mistakes along the way. You will find yourself disappointed. There will be consequences. But these mistakes are made along their journey in discovering themselves. Experience the wins and losses with them, but never lose your pride. Ever. For they expect love and pride from you. They need and desire your unconditional love and support.
Yes, I am still grieving. I am not placing a time frame on reaching that acceptance stage, as I know I must heal in my own time. I am slowly losing the guilt I feel whenever I laugh, smile or feel happiness, as if my feeling that way is not ok. I know I will get there. I know Matt wants me to be happy and enjoy life.
I will move past, without feeling the need to move on.....and I will remember....with a smile and a warmth in my heart that he possesses forever.
