Point of No Return?

    Every road eventually reaches a point of no return. 

     Have I become nothing more than a stranger to you?  The way you looked at me when I spoke, I saw it deep in your eyes.  A smile of acknowledgement, one that is given when we come in contact with someone we really don’t know.  One where we want to say “hi” but don’t wish to continue the conversation.  You shared that smile with me.  It would have been a kind gesture to any common stranger, but not to me. 

     It was disturbing….cold….heartless.

     You moved on.  Sharing affection, joy, and laughter with friends.  It went through me like a knife that you treated me like a stranger, but within seconds became joyous, loving, caring to others.

     It’s evident you are still capable of loving….maybe just not capable of loving me.  And I’m learning to be ok with that.  I have a family to love, and show love to.  I strive every day to never let them feel the way you make me feel….unwanted, unloved, and rejected.

     

The hurt can no longer be mended.  

Apologies are no longer accepted. 

Explanations are no longer believed. 

The part of my heart you currently reside in will continue to shrink until there is no longer a space for you. 

Every road eventually reaches a point of no return....

     I’m traveling on that road now…….

In my memory...I hope you never leave!

Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.  Sometimes I think I will see you again.  Sometimes.....sometimes.....my mind plays tricks on me, and I think I've just had a bad dream.  But my bad dream is actually my reality.  You are gone....I will never see you again, never hold your hand, never see your smile...only in my memories.  

Oh the what if's.  What if I had kept that last phone message?  What if I had recorded that moment?  Taken that picture that seemed so unimportant at the time?  But I know in my heart, our time was precious, genuine, and well spent.

I will never forget my time with you.  The times we shared from beginning to end.  I will never forget being there for you when Grandpa passed away.  I was only 11, but I wanted to take care of you.  I wanted to make sure you were not lonely or sad.  Cleaning for you, making sure you had dinner, doing crafts and puzzles together.  Becoming your best friend!  I will never forget our shopping trips, our lunch dates, our quiet time together.  Sitting around the campfire, taking walks and laughing about anything and everything.

And I will never, ever forget holding your hand, stroking your skin, touching your hair while you hung on to life surrounded by the ones you loved.  I will never forget sitting and whispering in your ear how very much I loved you and that it was ok to leave us if you it would make you more comfortable.  Telling you that we would all be ok.  Asking you to give Grandpa a huge hug for me.  I will never forget the sound of your breathing as I lay in your room.  The overwhelming fear that it would stop.  I will never forget praying that you would wake up the next day, and we could hang out again.  That everything would turn out ok.  Have lunch, go shopping...

But you didn't, and deep down, I knew you wouldn't...but oh how I prayed you would.  I pray everyday, for just one more day.  But I know it will never come, at least not until we meet again. I guess Heaven needed an angel.

So I try to focus on the blessings you brought to my life.  How blessed I am to have called you Grandma.  How blessed my children are to have had the opportunity to have a Great Grandma for so long in their lives...and you were GREAT!!!  Without a doubt!  I am so blessed that I knew and felt the unconditional love of a grandma and that my children had the opportunity to experience the love and memories that only you could provide.

You made me a better parent, and I can only hope I am half the Grandma you were!

You are my angel in heaven....and I love you with my all my heart.  I miss you Grandma  I miss you so very, very much!  I would give anything for one more day....anything!

If you could change your fate...

Wow!  It's been a long time since I've been on here.  So much has happened, so much has changed.  Some for the better, some very hurtful and can't be explained.  Some love lost was unexpected, some lives lost were unexpected.  All is painful in their own way, but I have to continue to believe that everything happens for a reason.  We may not always know that reason, but more often than not, further in our lives, we reflect back and say "I get it now".

Maybe we were only meant to touch a life temporarily, maybe someone was meant to help mold us into who we are today, but they weren't meant to be there forever.  Maybe at the time, we were needed in someone's life, or they were needed in ours.  Whatever the reason, life must go on.  The difficult part is dealing with the questions of why?  A question to which we may never know the answer.

So it all comes down to finding peace within ourselves.  Coming to terms with the fact that we can not always change the fate of others, sometimes we can't even change our own fate.  It makes me think of the Disney movie Brave. If you had a chance to change your fate, would you?

What a tough question?  All we can do is live our lives, making the best decisions we can for our physical and mental well being, for ourselves and our family.  Learning from our mistakes, and moving forward.  We can only be a good friend to those who are good to us.  We can only help those who want to be helped.  And we can only support those who want to be supported.  We love best when we are loved back.

Love, friendships, relationships...they come and go in ways we don't always understand.  We can only count our blessings that at least we were touched in some way because that person crossed our path.  We can only feel blessed by what they provided to us and brought to our lives.  We can only hope that they felt our love and friendship was just as important.

Life goes on. It must.  We can not spend our time wondering about the what if's, why not's, or how come's.  We can only focus on the "What now?"